My name is Sarah and I'm addicted to food.
This has been on my mind for a while and as much as I'm loathe to admit it, I'm hoping that blogging on the matter will help knock some sense in to me. You see the thing is, I lost three stone over the last 18 months, and I talked and wrote about how I had changed, how I wasn't going to go back to the yo-yo dieting that had dominated the previous 10 or 15 years, how I had really changed my attitude to food this time...but it turns out I was wrong. Because since the end of May I've managed to gain back over a stone of the weight I had lost. And I'm not very happy about it.
Of course three weeks in America didn't help, then another three weeks away from home. This time though, it wasn't so much that I was at home and miserable and turning to chocolate for comfort, but that I was out and about and having fun...and drinking too much, and eating out too often. It'll be OK I thought, I'll get back to school and I'll get back into my healthy eating routine. And I kind of did. I was having a banana for breakfast, salads for lunch and healthy dinners. Now winter is upon us (in Scotland anyway) the salads have been replaced by homemade soups but the weight still isn't shifting. And that's mostly due to my old nemesis - chocolate. I just can't seem to resist it. Especially when the nasty little voice in my head is telling me that I'm stressed, and it's been a tough day at school, and 'you're tired, go on, you deserve it'. I wish that voice would just shut up. Or at least that I could get better at ignoring it.
Extra added booze isn't helping either. I'm still not drinking during the week but I'm seeing the boy nearly every weekend (which I'm certainly not complaining about) which always seems to involve drinking. I'm happy, I like drinking, especially with good company....but something somewhere has got to give, if I'm going to avoid ending up where I was 18 months ago.
A lot has changed since then, I know; I found someone to love for a start, someone who thinks I'm beautiful whatever I weigh. But in a way that doesn't really help. Barry has lost a lot of weight since I first met him too - we should be the ideal partnership, united in the battle of the bulge. But instead I think there's a very real danger we'll encourage each other into over-eating again. In fact, that isn't fair. I'm the one doing the encouraging, and my powers of persuasion are so good that he sometimes ends up coming along for the ride. I don't blame him at all in this, this is my issue not his.
To be honest, I don't really know why I'm writing this. As my fingers tap the keys and the words appear on the page it just seems ridiculous and whiny, and why don't I just shut the fuck up and do something about it? If only it were that easy. Well it is I suppose. I could just go back to Lighter Life and lose that extra stone again in a month or so. But the regimen of Lighter Life would be much harder now I actually have a life. And I kind of feel like I got myself into this mess, I should get myself back out of it.
You know, perhaps this has helped after all. By blogging, and telling the world, I'm holding myself accountable again. And maybe that will inspire me to get back on track before it's too late. Thanks for reading, if you've stuck with me, and I'll let you know how I get on.